we will remember.

Life is full of light and shadow
O the joy and O the sorrow
O the sorrow

And yet will He bring
Dark to light
And yet will He bring
Day from night

When shadows fall on us
We will not fear
We will remember

When all seems lost
When we're thrown and we're tossed
We remember the cost
We rest in Him Shadow of the cross

---david crowder band [shadows]

resting is really hard at times. it almost seems impossible at times for my heart.
not resting physically. i can do that i think.
but resting in all the things that God is. all the things that He has promised and given.

honesty: in the midst of the hardest, most challenging and most fruitful relationships [marriage, anyone?] i don't seem to fully know how to rest in the hand and ways of God and understand that my justification is NOT as important as grace.

i feel as though those closest to me would definitely agree with this word to describe me:
determined. if my mind is on something, i do. i go for it. why hold back?
i am determined -truly by the grace of God- to gain a better understanding of Gods purpose.
i am determined to CHANGE and heaven knows, it won't be on my own accord.

"I know the LORD is always with me. I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me."
psalm 16.8

he's commanded that i be strong and courageous...
and sometimes courage comes in the form of denying yourself.
God help us all.






ps - who saw the Germans kick butt yesterday in the world cup?
here's my own little German...love him (:

those forgetful things.

"Aware of their discussion, Jesus asked, "You of little faith, why are you talking among yourselves about having no bread? Do you still not understand? Don't you remember the five loaves for the five thousand, and how many basketfuls you gathered? Or the seven loaves for the four thousand, and how many basketfuls you gathered? How is it you don't understand that I was not talking to you about bread? But be on your guard against the yeast of the Pharisees and Sadducees." Then they understood that he was not telling them to guard against the yeast used in bread, but against the teaching of the Pharisees and Sadducees."


i can't tell you how many times in a DAY God is saying to me 'don't you REMEMBER?? don't you REMEMBER how GOOD i was to then and how GOOD i'm going to be to you now? don't you remember when i've already done in your life...don't forget all i've done!

the disciples forgot so easily that just in the previous days God had turned a meager amount of food into enough to feed thousands. thousands. THOUSANDS. he fed thousands. i have seen God make a pot of beans seem quite endless in uganda. and yet often...i forget.

i don't want to forget the things God has done. i want to remember them, think upon them and be gracious. i want to have an attitude that is grateful. i don't want to be so wrapped up in the here and now and i forget the then and WOW.


---------


i have been so challenged and inspired by the story of this woman:

keepdancingamy.com

here is the connection...one of my best friends, katie, is dating dave. dave is in a band. jonny is daves bandmate. [strange enough, jonny and i were in the same public speaking class my first semester of college]. jonny is married to a beautiful woman named amy. here is the story:

story story story

the strength and trust that jonny has in the Lord for the life of his wife is challenging me and taking me to a new level of understanding of the pure goodness of the LORD.

it brings my heart to my knees in encouragement and humbleness and conviction on a pretty much daily basis.
along with many others, i thank God for the continued life of amy.
it can only mean that greater things are to come for jonny and her.

their story makes me never want to take josh for granted ever again...











we have lived our lives by the assumption that what was good for us would be good for the world. we have been wrong. we must change our lives so that it will be possible to live by the contrary assumption, that what is good for the world will be good for us. and that requires that we make the effort to know the world and learn what is good for it. -wendellberry

things are happening.

----

not as important as the LIFE changes, i'm considering another tattoo!
yeeps!

we choose not to coast.

"that day Jesus went out of the house and was sitting by the sea and large crowds gathered to Him, so He got into a boat and sat down, and the whole crowd was standing on the beach.

and He spoke many things to them in parables, saying, "Behold, the sower went out to sow;and as he sowed, some seeds fell beside the road, and the birds came and ate them up.

others fell on the rocky places, where they did not have much soil; and immediately they sprang up, because they had no depth of soil.

but when the sun had risen, they were scorched; and because they had no root, they withered away.

others fell among the thorns, and the thorns came up and choked them out.

and others fell on the good soil and yielded a crop, some a hundredfold, some sixty, and some thirty. he who has ears, let him hear."

Matthew 13.1-9

as i hinted at in my previous post, josh and i are being moved toward some life changes in the upcoming weeks...months...years? as i read these words that were spoken by Jesus to huge crowds, i came to a different understanding of this passage. these verses are often taught to be a parable about the message of salvation...the message of God's grace, the message of redemption. the different soils are similar to the conditions of our hearts, how readily we accept the Word...yeah? but yesterday, as i was reading...something different came over my heart.

[never downplaying the message of redemption towards God...] we receive many "words" from God in our life that stretch beyond salvation but very similarly we have the same options in front of us as to how we respond to these words. will the words and guidance God speaks over us be received on good soil? or will rocks and thorns be present? do we chose to hear, accept and obey that word or will we simply choose to 'coast' on the easier words of Christ and not do the things which we know we ought?

it would be one thing for us to ignore this word we've received from the Spirit. it would be one thing if we insisted that it "makes more sense" to stay here. [but trust us, it doesn't make more sense to us, as much as it doesn't make sense to this culture] it's an entirely different thing if we accept this word as GOOD and if we choose to, in obedience to His voice, follow it wherever it may lead. it's an entirely different thing if we choose and seek to have the ways of the Lord be played out in ways that require great faith and perseverance.

this is a step of faith. a big one. one that many think wouldn't come this "early" in our marriage but josh and i believe that there is a certain urgency in the world today. some receive clear words to stay in north america to be the hands and feet but if we are confident that we're being beckoned to a different land to be the hands and the feet of Christ.

as if our life hasn't been crazy enough in the past year, i think it's about to get a little bit crazier...a different kind of crazy though. one filled with much faith, anticipation, listening and believing.

"the ongoing narrative of each of our lives is what binds us all together. through the power of story, our hearts are opened to the plight of others and we are compelled to respond."

this is what josh and i are wanting to live out...
a healthy response to those around us in the light and love and motivation of Christ.

more to come...

(:

urgency & the wind.

written word is an expression that is completely unique to that one person. it's an honest look at what they think, what they may be feeling, what they seek or desire.

"act of putting pen to paper encourages pause for thought, this in turn makes us think more deeply about life..."

i agree with this. writing makes me slow down, makes me think about what is going on...makes me think about the deeper things that are going on in my head, heart, mind, marriage, friendships.

confession: i have avoided writing lately for these reasons.

not wanting to face realities, not wanting to come to terms with the messy life that i call my own, not wanting to admit that sometimes weakness consumes me and that there are days where i can't seem to bring myself to look towards the Light because He's just too good. and then there are other days where i, with full force, look towards Him because He's just too good to look away from.

"He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay, and He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm." psalm 40.2

i've been seeing this verse play itself out in a way that i've never experienced. i've been clumsily trying to figure out life on my own, with my own ways, my own strength. i have tried tried tried to be so self sufficient that it's made me a monster at times. in swoops God and shows me verses such as this. i made myself a pit, i placed myself in the clay and i cannot make it out alone. HE is setting myself feet upon a rock, HE is making my path firm.

my heart is realizing just how THANKFUL it should be...for God does not require my perfection. he does not require me to have it all together. he does not want me crap to disappear before i come to Him. i am weary and if i try to get rid of my dirt before i come to Him, i'll probably kill myself. so here i am. pretty much starting new. feeling like a small child, feeling inadequate but being filled with the knowledge and truth that not only does He accept me as i am, he DELIGHTS in me...he sings true love over me, day in and day out.

do you ever have moments when something just changes in you? those moments where life is going one way and then all of a sudden, sometimes literally in a split second, everything changes? God storms in and all is different. josh and i had that moment last night...

we looked at each other and kind of just knew that life will look pretty different, pretty soon. it's almost as if an unrecognized BURDEN was lifted from us and God immediately replaced it with EXCITEMENT and JOY. we've walked this road before, but not together, not in marriage. so many things are still unknown but we do know that God is desiring to move. we do know the urgency behind Scripture like this.

we are starting down this road...with almost no concept of time, place or length but we're walking it...

because you know...
sometimes i just think God wants us to throw caution to the wind.

fragile.

life is fragile.
God is The Healer and nothing is impossible for Him.
we're praying for you amy.

maybe it'll happen

i want to write a blog...
maybe sometime this week.

negative guarantee.

nothing is promised to me

and yet i live as though i am invincible

i know the fragility of life

my eyes have seen it
my hands have held it
my heart has felt it


we simply are not promised that the harsh words spoken today can be apologized for tomorrow...why is it that the pure and great gift of life is taken advantage of


tonight i mourn the loss of a man i did not know...
through the words of his BRAVE and LOVING wife,
my heart has softened a little bit


the man that is sleeping soundly in the room next to me...
the man i love spending my days with...
the man who sees my worst side...
the man who makes me laugh wildly at his random goofiness...
that man, my josh is a gift from above

i cannot imagine my days without him.
therefore, i will make the most of the days we do have.
my heart is burning with a passionate love from God for josh.
tonight, more than most nights, i am incredibly grateful.

the melody in a scream.

"Sometimes I cuss in my conversations with God.
When I’m at the end of it all…
Weeping...
Sobbing…
Doubting…
Screaming…
Cursing…
Retreating…

And you know what?
I think that He hears a melody in those screams that He never hears on a Sunday morning.
The melody of authenticity in pain is so much better than an inauthentic melody of praise on a Sunday morning.

HE will comfort you.
And HE will sing with you.
So don’t be scared to sing in your screams, ragamuffins.
Your haunting melody is music to His ears."

taken from ragamuffinsoul.com [carlos whittaker]

if there was ever a season of life where this resonated with me,
it's this current season of life.
this haunting melody inside of me screams so loud i wonder how He hears me.
i wear myself out, i wear josh out...it's a miracle, a true miracle i don't wear Him out.

in the midst of some shitty circumstances, a gentle Voice comes and reminds me that giving up isn't the easier option...but pressing on and believing in things to come will sustain my heart in a way that giving up and forgetting never could. here's to trusting that these crazy days are but a season.

come and drink.

"The Christian landscape is strewn with the wreckage of derelict, half-built towers - the ruins of those who began to build and were unable to finish.

For thousands of people still ignore Christ's warning and undertake to follow him without first pausing to reflect on the cost of doing so.

The result is the great scandal of Christendom today, so-called 'nominal Christianity'.

In countries to which Christian civilization has spread, large numbers of people have covered themselves with a decent, but thin, veneer of Christianity.
They have allowed themselves to become somewhat involved; enough to be respectable but not enough to be uncomfortable. Their religion is a great, soft cushion. It protects them from the hard unpleasantness of life, while changing its place and shape to suit the convenience.

no wonder the cynics speak of hypocrites in the church and dismiss religion as escapism."

john stott, from basic christianity



this is exactly the world we are living in. living as though we thought Christ came to make us happy...to make us look smooth around the edges. we have been fooled into thinking that getting involved and making appearances is enough to truly satisfy the one who died for us all. as c.s. lewis said, we are far too easily pleased. too pleased with ourselves. too pleased with the happiness around. too pleased and content to pick ourselves up from the low place we find ourselves in and actually look at the life of Christ and return to him the raw and honest love he daily showers on us.

i think that we've all together lost the meaning of what a true disciple looks like.
i know that often times my life is void of the qualities of a true and steadfast disciple.

you know the cliche but incredibly true saying...the Lords ways are better than ours
this is a hard truth to live out when "our" ways aren't bad ways. in my selfish heart i find that it's hard to be denied doing the 'good things' josh and i want to do when in return we get less 'exciting' plans placed before us. i don't want to deny Christ his authority in my life but i wrestle hardcore with the flesh. it's not an easy fight but it's not one i will give up. we don't want to succumb to the lie that if we do my own thing, it'll be more fun than His.

"but at the same time I keep having visions about Jesus coming back and heaven and it makes me scared to face him having not done as he asks."

i received those words in an email a couple of weeks ago. i couldn't agree more. we will face Jesus and we will be responsible for what we did/did not do. the cost of following Christ is great. i fear that the Christianity i see all around doesn't truly please the Lord...doesn't take His words as seriously as He meant them. there is a great and glorious weight in those Words. Jesus, come. Help your people. Help us to remember that you are returning. Help us live with eternal mindsets.

"'For I was hungry, and you gave Me something to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me something to drink;
I was a stranger, and you invited Me in; naked, and you clothed Me;
I was sick, and you visited Me; I was in prison, and you came to Me.'

Then the righteous will answer Him, 'Lord, when did we see You hungry, and feed You, or thirsty, and give You something to drink? And when did we see You a stranger, and invite You in, or naked, and clothe You? When did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?'

The King will answer and say to them, 'Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it to Me.'"
matthew 25.35-40

friends and brothers and sisters, we are responsible!
and what a responsibility it is. what a HONOR.

"Jesus has been found worthy of greater honor than Moses,
just as the builder of a house has greater honor than the house itself."
Hebrews 3.3

it's that one thing.

"yes, Adam’s one sin brings condemnation for everyone, but Christ’s one act of righteousness brings a right relationship with God and new life for everyone. Because one person disobeyed God, many became sinners. But because one other person obeyed God, many will be made righteous."
romans 5 : 18 & 19

no way am i putting myself on the level of Adam and definitely not of Christ but this convicted my heart and God seemed to allow my heart to understand the significance of our actions. my words and actions, all of them, have so much power in them, for the good and for the bad.

we seem to belittle certain situations by playing them off as unimportant but we all too easily forget that to someone, that ONE thing could make the world of a difference.

it wasn't my life that introduced sin and it isn't my life that will make many righteous but...
my one action could cause someone to fall into sin
or
my one action could spur them on to gaze upon the Beauty of their creator.


i pray the latter would become truer in my life.
what a road we walk, huh?




"they are like trees planted along the riverbank..."
[training my heart to soak up that which is good and refuse that which is not.]