Doesn’t that privilege of intimate conversation with God make it plain that you are not a slave, but a child? And if you are a child, you’re also an heir, with complete access to the inheritance.

galatians 4.7

"I think about what a privilege it is to get to talk to God like my children talk to me. To feel FREE to ask questions that might be silly, make requests that might be selfish and share my heart, my dreams, my hopes without embarrassment. Too often I don’t just have open dialogue with Him because, well He’s God. But when I see it in the context of this verse and am aware of the conversations I love for my kids to have with me, I realize I don’t have to worry about being silly or foolish or shy or embarrassed or selfish or fearful or censored in my dialogue with God. I am His child. We just talk. Being CHILDLIKE makes every thing so much more simple." [taken from here]

oh how far i fall from the truth of this all. how far i am from the understanding that i am heard and loved by the God of all creation. i know my heart...i know its evil all too well.

i was inspired this morning to write down the things i am afraid of...
the things that cause fear. here is what i have so far in textEdit:

"what am i afraid of? . . . . .."

that's all i have. i can't seem to work past that.
it's as if i'm afraid to put to words the things my heart most fears.
why?
because then i feel as if i'm responsible to do something about those fears.
it's as if i am scared to put myself out there and work through them.

the majority of my fears lie in relationships.
and disappointment in myself. and not being made right.
but i do know that i am made right in the presence and power of Christ.
so where is the disconnect?


friends...what are you afraid of?
have you worked through it?
have you attempted?
have you avoided it all together [much like myself]?

i know it's a healthy thing to do. yet i feel as though to work through all of these things, that 'privilege of intimate conversation with God' needs to surround me. and it's not. i want to be there. i want to know that again.

sweet Jesus. take this hard hard heart and make it soft.
speak to me Lord but also...let me speak to You.

i am a wreck.
your love never fails

it all comes together in the end.

the other day i was feeling slightly...indulgent. i dived head first into a 'full fat' version of red velvet cake. there is something about the RED [favorite!] and the smoothness of the cake that makes me want to gobble the entireeee thing down in one sitting [and then probably go to 6 step&pump classes and 3 iron reps classes at the gym]. all afternoon, while hanging out with the hubby, i was psyching myself up for this cake...it didn't take much though. i was soooo pumped!

there is no lying, i have a massive sweet tooth...and i think you can find it somewhere between my mouth and my willpower. it has a hard time deciding who to be good friends with. most of the time there is a good compromise and i either find lower fat/healthier dessert recipes or i modify original recipes myself. but on saturday, i threw caution to the wind and went for the reallll deallll.

here we go!!





.
.
.
.

yeah..that's all the pictures i got out of this one.
i got a bit flustered and forgot about the camera ):

a couple of steps in, i realized that i only had 1 of the 4 tablespoons of red food coloring that was needed. i got so frazzled and went into a mini panic session. i knew that i could make the cake without the food coloring and it would taste just like normal but that wasn't the point! i looooved the red and i was splurging on the real version of the cake and i'm sorry but i'll be damned if it didn't turn out right! in walks josh wondering what the commotion is all about and bless his heart, though he doesn't understand my freaking out, he becomes my hero and volunteers to run down the street to safeway and pick me up some more food coloring! i love him so much!!!!

so he comes home and i continue and minus the lack of camera, all goes well!



ready to go with some deeeelicious cream cheese frosting ['light version]




topped with a bit of toasted coconut and...



ta da!! soooo good.
a finished cake and a happy husband!
and HA. who am i kidding? a happy julie too!


i don't have much else to say right now so i'll just share this:

God is Love.
Every person, beginning with me, is worthy of receiving Love.
My true identity is Love.
The greatest gift I can give anyone is Love.
Every thought, word, act and expression motivated by Love matters.

[to me this is convicting and inspiring. what does it do for you?]



valentines day flowers from the hubby - still going strong!

the real voice

i'm still reading a million miles in a thousand years. and i am still enjoying it so so much. this morning, bright and early, i read this and my heart knew it's words too well.

"the real Voice is stiller and smaller and seems to know, without confusion, the difference between right and wrong and the subtle delineation between the beautiful and profane. it's not an agitated Voice, but ever patient as though it approves a million false starts. the Voice i'm talking about is a deep water of calming wisdom and says ...hold your tongue; don't talk about that person that way; forgive the friend you haven't talked to; don't look at that woman as a possession; i want to show you the sunset; look and see how short life is and how your troubles are not worth worrying about..."

josh and i had an argument last night and it was ridiculous. not because i felt misunderstood or that he didn't care about me or my feelings. it was ridiculous because the fight was stupid. in the midst of our frustrations i said something along the lines of "this is absolutely stupid. we sound like effing toddlers" patience had gone out the window and even though what we were talking about wasn't worth anyones discussion, we kept going.

finally, we grew up 20 years, we stopped bickering and my husband, in an effort to get me to smile, offered me a christian side hug [please see this video]. i never thought it was possible but the offer for a pure christian side hug [while laying side by side in bed] healed the past 10 minutes of conflict (:

i tell that story to come back to the quoted paragraph. God knows, without any hint of confusion, right and wrong. he does not get agitated with us but his patience endures even through the worst of our pits. my humanness has never been so clearly told than in the story of our marriage. my mind blurs right and wrong. it confuses beauty with justification. it mixes up patience with stupidity.

but in all of this, one thing remains, when i fail - He prevails.
in my impatience and stubbornness, His hand is all over my heart, calling me to be still...
to be still and know that my husband is a gift.
to be still and know that i don't need to be right.
to be still and know that i am LOVED.
to be still and know that i am so much to be thankful for.
to be still and know that he is God.

- - -

it's friday morning. that means that tomorrow is saturday. that means i go to the gym and take another kick butt fitness class.
but [yay!!] that also means that i get to search my favorite baking blogs to find the perfect recipe for the afternoon.
i'll gather my things in the kitchen and turn on the music, tell my husband i love him and then i'll get to work.
i'll keep you updated on what unfolds in our little green kitchen.

here is something i made the other day.
they taste better a day or two after than they did the day of.
also. i think i baked them a few minutes too long.







do you see that brown sugar GOODNESS?!
i could eat a whole bowl of that stuff if my stomach allowed.
i have to be quick to take it out and quick to put it away when i bake...
other it'd be gone.






have a good day, world. i'll let you know about my baking escapades later (:

to know Him.

i'm reading a book right now by c.s. lewis entitled, surprised by joy.
only on page 39 but so far so good. as i was reading tonight [with my hubby reading next to me] something caught my attention.

he was sharing various stories from his childhood...more specifically from the first school he attended in england. he said he had his first metaphorical conversation there. they were debating where the future is like a line we can't see or if it's like a line that hasn't been drawn.

when i read that, i stopped. and thought. what did i think the future was like? at first my mind went to the fact that i suppose there are Biblical passages that could support both sides but then kind of came to the quick conclusion that i didn't necessarily care which answer was "right". what i was going after was "what do i think about this?

lately josh and i have found ourselves having many conversations about the future...about what kind of life we're comfortable living and what kind of life would probably make us think twice. we come up with no solid answers. [i think i am thankful for this] the way our hearts think and the way our lives have been lived, we have a hard time grasping the idea of 'settling down'.

we are fully confident that the Lord does call some of His children to 'remain' but what the Lord has showed us and taught us in the past years is that He wants us to go. not to escape life here, not to travel for the sake of traveling, not to work overseas to look like a good person but to GO because he's clearly called us. because in a way, His glory is dependent on his children.

"all of life comes down to just one thing
and that’s to know You, oh Jesus,
and make You known"

because friends...to know Him is to love him.



we are searching and we are praying. things are brewing.
we are waiting. anticipating the Lord is going to do great things.

will our feet end up here?

one more time.

here is to blogging more frequently.

valentines started a day early for me. i had found a recipe for skinny red velvet cupcakes on one of my trusty food blogs and i thought it'd be perfect for valentines day! [did you know that one piece of normal, from scratch red velvet cakes is close to 24 weight watcher points?! that's practically points for the entire day! YIKES] so with josh watching the olympics [and with me sneaking a peak from the kitchen every once in a while] i went at it on saturday evening.

nice and colorful and quite festive for the holiday of red and pink! however, must to my disappointment, they didn't turn out quite as nice as i had hoped. whether it's the recipe or my error or perhaps just too high of expectations [though Gina hasn't ever failed me before so i'm leaning towards it being by fault] the color separated [pink on top, brown on the bottom] and they weren't sweet. thankfully my husband is a sucker for cream cheese frosting so once i put a bit on each cupcake, he found them to be good. how? i don't know. i'm still sulking over my failed attempt.

-they look decent though, eh?-

i was awoken around 7:30am on valentines day by josh getting out of bed. he kissed me on the cheek and said he was going to make me breakfast and i should just go back to sleep and he'd wake me when it was ready. about an hour or so later, i wake up and wander out to this...

he'd made me strawberry filled chocolate crepes, went out and got me a bouquet of flowers along with a single rose to represent our first valentines day together and also picked up some of my favorite coffee [transferred to my travel mug]. pretty nice, huh? we laid around watching the olympics and talking about random things. it was a nice morning!

i started jillian michaels 30 day shred last week and since i hadn't worked out on saturday, i did levels one AND two and thought i was going to collapse. haaaard work. josh did some of the workout with me too. funny (:

we decided to get ready and go out to lunch at Pita Pit and then walk around that area of town. very cute, very modern, very nice. it was right near downtown too.

josh made dinner for us too! steak. mashed potatoes [his favorite] green beans. whole wheat baguette. yum. i was craving something sweet and yummy and as i expressed earlier, my cupcakes were not going to satisfied so i decided to make something else! chocolate bottom banana squares it was!

it wassss yummy and it didddd hit the spot! and i healthified the original recipe and cut almost 1000 calories!! sometimes that works out and sometimes it does not. i'm GLAD it worked this time!

tonight for dinner i made chili! extra lean ground beef (:

here are our bowls to start:

here are our bowls soon after:

[andddd decided i wanted a biscuit. so i made them. from scratch.]

here we are. 6:15pm and done with dinner and time to relax.
watching the olympics and probably snacking on the chocolate bottom banana squares.
decent evening i'd say (:


oh. and we rearranged our living room the other day. we like it.
our home may not be extravagant but it is our HOME and we love it here.

enjoy the rest of your week blog world. i hope something unexpected and happy happens.

it's a winding road.

when i listen to the theme from the movie indecent proposal [which i have never actually seen] i feel as though the story of my life is being set to music. and perhaps that's a bit of a dramatic thought but the song, from the very first time my ears heard it, has influenced me to dig deeper into this story that i'm in. this story is my life.

i'm reading donald millers latest book, a million miles in a thousand years, and he's currently diving deep into what 'makes' a story. what are the concepts that are required to form a story and even a little bit further...what is it that's required for a good story.

he discusses a couple of thoughts but then he brings up this poignant thought:

"if the point of life is the same as the point of a story, the point of life is character transformation." [page 68]

if the point of life is character transformation then i've been going through one intense story the past six months. my life was flipped upside down when i walked down that aisle and married the man i love. we got married, we spent 6 days in florida. we came back, packed my stuff up and i moved to canada. new city. new church. none of my friends. none of my family. new new new.

all of this to say this: while the outside life i was living was obviously changing, the transformation happening within was hardcore. i have been stretched and i have been challenged. i learned what it means to persevere in the trials that are set before me.

moments of profound sadness and loneliness were coupled with moments of such extraordinary joy and wholeness with the man i love. it has been a gray season. darkness and light have had a strange relationship in my heart.

this life as a new wife has been crazier than i ever thought. using the words of a facebook friends status:

i can be such a monster to josh. so humiliating when it's over. i need the fruits of the spirit.

in the many many many ways i feel i have failed over and over and over, this man who stood before me and committed his life to mine has upheld his end of the bargain so well. his gentleness is astonishing. i am digging more into what a tender wife looks like and praying for Jesus' sweet revolution of love in my heart. i need Him in His FULLNESS to come and mess up my heart and transform. i seek and desire to know peace in all circumstances.

it's been 6 months and 5 days since i said "i do" to josh.
we have both failed. we have both triumphed.
now, more than ever, i am absolutely committed to...

putting aside my expectations and replacing them with joy because God has given me a gift...a husband who would lay down his life for mine.
putting aside my inpatience and replacing it with humility because the Lord loves me and my husband loves me.
putting all of my ridiculous comments and replacing them with a gentle spirit because i know that huge plank in my own eyes still exists.

ephesians 4.31

josh and i have been trying to go through the book of matthew because our hearts want to have a deeper understand of who Jesus was and what He did and how He moved and what He has called us to do. we believe that God is once again stirring up plans for us to 'go' and serve. there is a sense of urgency in our hearts but we understand that it must be coupled with the will of the Sovereign One.

if we're going to go and serve and love and be the hands and feet [oh what a humbling call...] we need to know the Scriptures. thank you Jesus for putting desires on our hearts. without them, we'd be so lost.

i'm all of a sudden feeling quite done with writing tonight.
but this is more than i've accomplished in quite some time.
leave your comments. i always enjoy reading them. and i also enjoy being linked to your blog and probably your friends and their friends and so on. josh makes fun of me for reading random peoples blogs but come on...we all do it. i think? (:

i'll leave you with some pictures from the past month and a half.

many blessings friends.

new years eve 2009

my sister ashley and i


josh gained a wife and his first sister on august 7th.


happy 6 months babe


what a blessing he is to me.



"beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another."
1 john 4.11

i am learning.

"give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus"
1 thes 5.18



i have obviously been lacking at blogging.
i don't have anything planned for tomorrow.
hopefully i'll be writing.

blessings.

it's hard.

i am breaking breaking breaking over what is happening in haiti.
josh and i watch the news and we pray pray pray but there is just such a pain.

pain for what happened.
pain for what is happening.

i see the humanity of the news reporters when they break down and cry.
i see the humanity in them when i hear their tone change from standard news to frustration.

i know it's much bigger than what i can see but
why can't medical supplies get to those who need it??
my heart is breaking for all of these preventable deaths.


http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/201001u/haiti-trafficking

that article breaks my heart. but it's not just now. it's not just there.
for many years now, trafficking all over the world has ripped my heart into hundreds of pieces.

so many children around the world are bought and sold.
so many children around the world are left alone; orphaned.
so many rich westerners turn their eyes away because it's easier.

oh God that we would ACT according to what your WORD says.
let us not turn away but let us run into the heat of the battle and FIGHT for your children.

the Lord is gracious and slow to anger.
He hears all of those who call upon Him - He hears them and saves them.

we are hearing the Lord ask that oh so heart pounding question..
whom shall i send? who will go for me?
josh and i are answering send us.


we are praying. we are being stirred. we'll keep you updated.

i hope you're able to look beyond yourself today.
there is a world out there that is full of beauty.
sometimes it's a heartbreak but there is still so much beauty.

light in the dark

ikea christmas tree

i work out so i can carry trees.

the dog gives hugs.

lights. camera. action.

jingle bells on the tree.

decorated!

close up.

pre-Christmas party on 12-12-09




we've been married just over 4 months now.
what. a. whirlwind.

[obviously] i've never experienced anything like marriage.
i feel like i've said it before but it's truly one of the most challenging things i've ever experienced. but don't be fooled. the challenge is what makes it beautiful. i have never seen such a clear picture of what reconciliation looks like. the conflicts are hard but when our relationship is restored, it's such a deep feeling of love and commitment. yesterday was such a difficult day for josh and i but at the end of the day when we were saying good night to one another i realized that because of the trials of the day, i had fallen deeper in love with the man in front of me.

marriage is such a wake up call...makes me realize how much the Lord forgives us.
two words: "yikes" and "grace"



josh and i travel to kansas in exactly two weeks. i cannot tell you just how excited i am for this to be happening in such a short time. i need this trip. i need to be surrounded by those who i know and love and those who know and love me. when you find yourself lacking community, the need for it really hits you hard.

josh and i have been doing so much talking and dreaming about life and the future.
where we'll be. what we'll do. who we'll be with. will small humans be with us?
calgary is not a permanent place for us. we knew that when we moved here.
it's a temporary place for us and i think we're BOTH looking forward to the next season.

have i mentioned that it's COLD here? if not, let me share. it's COLD.
wind chill lately [and today] is close to -30 fahrenheit.
you know what i hate most about the cold? it's not the limbs going numb or anything.
it's how everything in your nose just BAM. freezes instantly. gross.

christmas is in less than 2 weeks.
here's to focusing on baby Jesus and the live He grew up and lived.
what a beautiful life.

"this is the message we have heard from Him and announce to you:
that God is light and in Him there is no darkness"
1 john 1:5

time after time, i fail at following this light.
oh gosh. i need God's grace.


i hope the holidays find you well.
may we all come to a greater understanding of
peace and love and grace and hope and joy.

love, julie

trilogy.

my husband is an avid switchfoot listener. their new album released yesterday. so you better believe that as soon as we got off of work yesterday, we hit up HMV and bought it. he was so excited.

we decided to take the long way home [nixed the highway, opted for downtown] and of course our ears were filled with the newest sounds of switchfoot.

i've never been a HUGE switchfoot fan but i do appreciate their music, their lyrics. one of their songs on the new album is called 'your love is a song'...i highly recommend you listen to it. you can find it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=af-iOOWsK3s

i just watched a snippet of a video on youtube that explained this song. jon foreman explained that this song is the third part of a trilogy. the first song was let your love be strong. the second song was your love is strong and now there is this song, your love is a song. he said it's about the concept of grace that he just can't get through his thick skull. you're not alone jon, you're not alone.

" "oh your love is a symphony, all around me, running through me your love is a melody, underneath me, running to me" "

on this journey i'm on to memorize 1 john in it's entirety, these lyrics are an encouragement to me. this Love is enough. this Love is enough. this Love is enough. his words are more than worthy to be memorized and put into practice. His love over me a sweet and beautiful song. And His grace is sufficient. [and dear Lord, i will need your grace to memorize these holy words in 1 john. in your grace, expand my ability to learn them...both in my head as well as my actions]


[today we painted our own christmas decorations]

it's 9:03pm. our day is done. we're turning in for the night.
goodnight moon.

julie