updated

it's been a year and a half.
should i start back up?

i'd imagine that so VERY few people read this.

what's given is given away.

"I thought it would be hard to believe in, but it's not hard at all
To believe I've sinned
And fallen short
Of the glory of God

He's not asking me to change in my joy for martyrdom
He's asking to take my place
To stand in the gap that I have formed
With His real amazing grace

And it's not just a sign or a sacrament
It's not just a metaphor for love
The blood is real and it's not just a symbol of our faith"

so often i have this very convicting thought that lays heavy on my heart:
Jesus just wants in
His blood was shed for a price.
He traded His life so that i might catch even a glimpse of the Glory he knows so well.

by denying him entry and attempting to navigate rough roads alone, i am left in a horrible spot that leaves me behaving as though i've never understood the voice of God - that i have never heard Him speak gently to me, guiding me into a peace that He created for us all to enjoy.

feeling as though i am "entitled" to things is wearing.
& it's such an ugly thing - such a human instinct.
what a lie it is. i am entitled to nothing. i am from the dirt.

all that i have, all that i have yet to acquire, every human that i am in relationship with, all the places i've been...all of it is not mine to take ownership of. they are all gifts and a healthy response is gratitude and humbleness. while i am not to take ownership of these things, i am also not to hold so closely to them as to not share.

what i have been given, i have been created to give away.

a continuous outpouring.
this how Christ lived.

He gave and gave and gave until He ended up being crucified by those who were too prideful to see any other way.

& maybe we shy away from the message of the cross at times not just because it's more culturally "relevant" to speak of other elements of the faith but because we too are filled with a pride to truly think and dwell about such a humbling sacrifice.

we will never be the same

people use blogs for different reasons, so many reasons, good and bad. their thoughts, their ideas, their dislikes, their politics, their recipes, their pictures of their ridiculously cute animals...whatever it may be, they have the freedom to do. depending on who you are and how long you've known me and how long you've been following me in the blog world, you'll know that my blog history is one that is personal. i've share the world around me, i've share the world inside me.

my previous blog was primarily my writings from my time in uganda in 2008. my was exploding in so many different ways and i couldn't seem to do justice to all that was happening. i felt pain and struggle. i was joy and redemption. i felt conviction and for the first time, i knew romantic love with a man. my writings reflected my heart.

my life has changed since then. such a drastic change..i could never have dreamed of it. i returned from uganda, attempted to adjust, got engaged, got married, moved to canada and lived there for the first 14+ months of our marriage and now i [we] have come back stateside - - all in less than 21 months. if you've followed me/my blogs since my time in uganda, you'll know that the number of posts has dropped...significantly. theres a reason for that.

[here goes vulnerable for the sake of growth]

marriage has taken us by storm.
a storm can be a hard place to write from.

marriage has shaken me to the core and revealed more about myself than i could have fathomed.
God has purpose in it.


being married to josh has been one of the best gifts i have ever received but it hasn't come without some serious revelation and some serious stretching and some serious hard moments for us. God has always intended for josh to hold my heart on this earth, no doubt about it. but for us, the coming together of two separate lives and personalities into one hasn't happened as smoothly as we perhaps envisioned it. our humanness shows up every morning and it has a really nasty habit of showing its ugly self to the other.

i love this man with my entire heart. if he left my side, i fear my heart would break every new morning. [i'm learning dependence IS ok] i love him, i fight for him, i want to see him chase his heart dreams. i'd give anything for him.

all that said -- i guess you could say we had no 'honeymoon stage' of marriage. we got right down into it. God began a long and hard work in our marriage. tough questions. new realities. expectations. miscommunications. it seemed that all around me were happy couples. newlyweds without fault. i felt as though something was 'wrong'. in my own heart, i felt as though our hard times made us the outcasts - the ones who didn't 'fit' the newlywed stereotype. i started believing those lies you hear when you're down. guilt crept in. i kept my heart to myself, i kept quiet. my lips didn't speak much, my fingers didn't write much. i didn't necessarily act like everything was perfect, but i do admit to leaving out what i thought was the 'bad' and the 'ugly'. i carried a weight. i was often confused about what to write in a blog. i wanted to write from my heart but with the guilt i felt, came a fear. what if i was honest. what would they think? [if you were to ask me who 'they' were, i don't think i would have even had an answer. ]

these thoughts were wrong.

through it all, good and bad, God has been fighting for me. for us. fighting to break into my heart and bring light to this situation. i often felt/feel him wanting to speak truth about our reality, about guilt, about honesty, about how what we're experiencing is actually quite normal. my heart has been fighting to hear - fighting hard to hear more Truth. there are moments that are dark. but. there are also moments where freedom feels real and understand comes..and these moments are increasing.

and then this past weekend happened.


it was at that moment, standing in that place, in that beautiful church that it hit me.

i will never be the same.


at the start, He was there. and at the end, He'll be there.

and because of that - i'm different.



in those moments, a bit of clarity came to my heart.
God called josh and i into this marriage and i will never be the same because of that
what God intended to reveal - to shake up - to change is being done
and i am changing because of it.

he took this idea we had of marriage & turned it into a living breathing thing in our lives.
we will never be the same.

i often take for granted what's been given to me.
sometimes i take this precious gift of a husband and a marriage and i twist it in my own little world the way i see fit. i have damaged, i have hurt, i have gone too far, i have spoken words i do not mean, i have blatantly disrespected the very man God saw fit to lead me through life.

"and after all my hands have wrought, He forgives."
he forgives. forgives. forgives. forgives?

and after all falls apart,
He repairs

he loves me so much that even after all i have done, he cares to repair.
he doesn't leave me orphaned; to fend for myself.

he enters & he offers redemption for us all.
Jesus Christ offers sweet redemption to us all.
redemption. what a FULL word.

"there were scars before my scars
love written on the hands that hung the stars
hope living in the blood that was spilled for me"


so here i am - open wide.
trying to figure out to accept this grace and offer of hope.
Gods love is strong. God supplies us with His love.
God is love and love IS real.


i have so much to say now.
so many more words to help form the above jumbled thoughts into more complete thoughts and ideas.


we are loved, friends.

longtime

hard
crappy
crummy
confusing
overwhelming
stressful

all of these situations...

they make me...

respect
love
honor
look up to

my wonderful husband more and more



marriage takes me by storm sometimes
but it's a storm i am going to see through day after day after day
because i was called into this marriage
and a covenant was made between God and Josh and I

the picture that God gives us of our eternal relationship with Him is the perfect example of how i view our marriage. in my mess of a life, God chooses me. over and over. and so it is for that reason [and many others] that i choose Josh over and over.

God truly is our best example in all areas of life.
walking [or trying to] with Him just makes sense.







i love fall colored flowers

everything has changed.
traveling to africa is no longer a plan right now.

life changes so quickly.
sometimes i like that, other times it drives me NUTS.

it's unknown but it's also okay.

i just don't understand things sometimes. and i know that's okay. and i know it's part of life. but that doesn't mean contentment comes automatically, right?

josh and i had such a good grasp of what life would look like for us in the near future. but then...all of a sudden, we think something changed.

being in calgary is coming to a close, we both know that.
but we don't know where we'll be after calgary.

africa is always an option.
kansas city is always an option.
the northwest is always an option.

we could flippantly choose any of these but we want guidance.
we want there to be purpose & reason behind our move.

when we got married, we were obviously very aware that we came from different countries. but it's a whole new reality when we actually come to face the music: we have to go through immigration. i admit that we have avoided actually acknowledging this but it's rearing it's ugly little head lately. it is inevitable that we'll have to go through the immigration process for either him or i. it's unavoidable. so we have to pretty much make the decision of "when". now or later? africa first or usa first? maybe there is a compromise. maybe we can get the best of both worlds.

we are seeking direction. we are exploring. we are coming to terms that life may look different than we imagined it would...even from 2 weeks ago. we are praying. we'd love for you to join us.

---------------------

after being gone for 2 1/2 weeks, i returned to calgary tuesday evening.
so many good good things happened in my travels.

this love of my life got engaged to the love[r] of her life:



this love of my life got married to the love[r] of her life:





{what a blessing to be part of that day...to share in their JOY}

i'm thankful that people i love and miss got to spend TIME together




thankful to spend a week away from everything in florida with this one:







and now we're back. here in the great north.
seeking and waiting and anticipating.



my mom comes on sunday for a week. we're going to beautiful british columbia. i'm so thankful that joshs job has allowed him such flexibility and that they have such a sweet vacation time pay system. so thankful for that blessing.

oh. and did i mention that tomorrow is our one year anniversary of marriage?
what an intense year.
growing. learning. struggling. patience. awakening. fun.
(:
tomorrow we'll celebrate by spending the day in banff, alberta.
can't wait. he's the best husband i could ever ever have.
[and he's really really handsome]

daisy love

my words cannot express what my heart is feeling.

please pray for this sweet sweet little girl

i do not understand things such as this..
but i know that the hand of God hasn't left her body.
we, as the Church, are responsible for our own.
lets pray.

it's the same.

there are situations in life where i don't seem to be able to find words to express my sympathy...my empathy...my confusion...my deep deep sorrow.

i find that this song has helped me express this event

sometimes all i can seem to think or say is 'may Gods love be with you'
and i mean it from the very depths of my heart.

people read of news stories like this and they don't really give it much thought. i will admit that i am slightly biased towards anything that comes out of uganda but i will say that i find something to be a bit off when an AM news radio station spends 20 seconds talking about bombings in uganda and then spends 4 or 5 minutes talking about a pancake feed that is happening.

my dad put it all too well when he said
"it's there. and we're here. it's another world for most people unfortunately."

dad, you've got it. it is viewed as a separate world. a different planet. most find that it doesn't bother them, that they can very easily separate and remove themselvesselves from things like this. aren't we supposed to 'weep with those who weep'? aren't we at least supposed to attempt to connect with their suffering and their burdens?

i don't have the answers to all of these things. not in any way. but i do know that Jesus cares about what happens in our neighborhoods and what happens all over the world. and that means we need to learn to care. deeply, genuinely, unselfishly.



josh and i continue to explore what life may look like in a couple of months. slowly we're getting [we think] a clearer picture of what may be coming our way. we are excited! nothing is set in stone right now but when things become a bit more definite, we'll be happy to share details. until then, we pray. we hope. we seek.

i leave in less than 5 days for kansas and i couldn't be happier. i'll be spending a week and a half in kansas and then a week in florida. and then my mom comes for a week! i can't wait for these couple of weeks to start. surrounding by friends and family. seeing 2 good friends get married. my dads birthday. spending my 23rd birthday with friends and family. spending a week away and relaxing with joshua.

i am so thankful that the Lord is providing me with this upcoming month.
lets do it.


"in all things we know that we are more than conquerors."

because sometimes...you just want him.

today i was worn out. i was tired. i was exhausted. my mind kept going and going about how tired i was and i thought i was just ready for the day to be OVER with. but i think, as i was driving, i tapped into something deeper. something that i haven't tapped into in a while.

charlie hall's song, come for me, was playing and i found that i was singing my little heart out. and then i played the song again. and again. and again. [sometimes being outside city limits has it's perks...it makes car rides longer] today, in my exhaustion, i wasn't wanting to sit down. i wasn't wanting to put my feet up. i wasn't wanting a drink. i wasn't wanting any of these things. it was after singing the line a couple of times that i realized how deep the words were going.

"you'll come again with a shout, like a thief in the night you'll come riding on clouds...
and finally the Voice i have followed for life has a glorious face that is lit up with light"

somehow, past all the physical and mental distractions, my heart was aching for Jesus..to come, rescue my heart. to bring peace. in that moment, that is what i was truly longing for.

these things that i hear or read,
these things that cause a bit of [holy?] rage in this heart of mine,
these things that are realities that can't be avoided...
this thing i call my conscience actually isn't a conscience.
it's the voice that i follow. it's the voice i long for. it's the voice that leads me.
it's the voice of the One who is strong and full of all Good.

so today when i was worn out, i sang with hope.
knowing that one day, this voice will have a face.
all he will restore all things to new.
and hurt and pain and injustice will be a memory.
one day light will be shining and no eye will be able to look away.
and i look forward to that day.

until that day...we sing. we hope. we pray like mad.
we act. we advocate. we raise awareness. we proclaim beauty.
and we fight...because the hands and feet of Jesus need to spread wide.

p s a l m 97

bless you.

"may God bless you with anger at
injustice
oppression
and
exploitation of people
so that you may work for
justice
freedom
and
peace"

franciscan benediction




[julie, janet, winnie]